So apparently part of this whole adulthood, post-grad school thing involves your friends moving to various states far far away and you (meaning me) feeling very lonely. I'm not very impressed with that whole bit.

Work is going well but it's weird being in a town full of college kids doing college things when you aren't one. Which doesn't mean I'm not up for going to the bar or doing other such fun stuff, but it's tricky... I mean, the last remaining college-age friends I have will be gone in the spring. Add to that that all of my work friends tend to be married with children (i.e. in a different life stage) and it doesn't add up to much to do on the weekend.

I guess maybe East Lansing is feeling a little stale and past it's "use by" date for me.

In the meantime, anyone around here want to do things? I'm busy a lot of evenings having my life consumed by work but I need to prioritize for more more of a social life. Ok, I need a social life PERIOD. So let me know cause I'm probably bored :-P


P.S. I know I haven't used livejournal in eons. I've missed my outlet, so this may be the start of a comeback...

i'm feeling: lonely

It's been a big weekend for me.

I'm now officially a graduated, card (or degree?) holding member of the group of professionals known as Master's level Social Workers. I have a full-time job at CMH Family Guidance, where I completed my internship... it's "temporary" for now but will most likely turn permanent with benefits in the next several months. While having money is wonderful, not having a summer break is kind of strange. It's also the first time the school year has ended and... well... only about 10% of the stress and responsibility has gone from my life. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a bizarre feeling.

Graduation weekend was lovely though, with all of the family in town. It was a bit chaotic at times but overall there was lots of quality time, entirely too much amazing food, and a great culmination to the two busiest, craziest years of my life. I got spoiled with many beautiful gifts and had a fabulous time :)

In other news, I made a decision a few minutes ago, to quit the Research Assistant job I've technically held since November. They trained us in January, but had yet to actually send us out to collect data until March - AFTER I started working full-time for CMH. Obviously I had no idea this full-time job thing was in the cards back when I accepted the research job; I also had no clue that they would be so disorganized and neglect to give us any hours for a full six months. That job turned out to be a nightmare, nothing like it seemed it would be when I interviewed. The only silver lining is the two great friends I made while training in D.C. and some of the training I received which could be useful in future jobs. Otherwise it's been a mistake... stressing out over it and trying to deal with the confusion of receiving roughly 15-20 conflicting e-mails and phone calls every day from two different sources (local and national office) while balancing the rest of my life... yeah, not things I would repeat if given the choice. SO, I quit today, and it feels WONDERFUL. I think I got all the guilt out of my system over the past few weeks :-P

All of that aside, Phil and I signed a lease on a lovely new apartment!! It's at Castle Pointe apartments, on Hagadorn at Lake Lansing. We're on the 2nd floor with a balcony, they allow cats, and we got the "upgraded" model with a brand new kitchen! We also get to paint the walls!! We're picking up the keys on June 8th and will begin painting at that point. We're hoping to have 99% of our stuff moved over there by July 1st. In August, with any luck, we will be adopting two kitties from the Humane Society. Needless to say, I CAN'T WAIT. Getting out of student housing where my neighbors play beer pong loudly at 8am on a weekday? Definitely priceless. It will be amazing to have a quiet, clean, place of my own to call home.

The moral of the story = Goodbye, grad school and student life... Hello, adult world, with all of the long hours, lack of breaks, and increased responsibility. I'm just happy this one pays, and I hope to have seen the last of writing research papers. At least until it comes time to get that Ph.D. ;)

i'm feeling: content

Long time no talk, LJ.

It's been an eventful couple of weeks. I had spring break, which was sort of a break, although I was in East Lansing / Waterford and feeling pretty stressed out about work-related things. Right after break ended I got a bad bout of the flu and abdicated all of my responsibilities for another 3-4 days after that. Whenever I get that sick it tends to leave me feeling off track and scattered, and this was no exception. I still feel like I'm struggling to get everything back in order.

On a happier note, though, I spent this last weekend training new volunteers for the Listening Ear crisis center. I had a great group of trainees and left last night feeling very rewarded for all the time and energy I put in there. The Ear is such an amazing, wonderful, safe place... one of few in the world where it's safe to feel and express whatever I'm going through. I feel so honored to be a part of it and a part of helping others recognize their own feelings as a means of helping others. The day I have to leave the Ear, whenever that may be, will be a sad one indeed. Since last night I've been on a major post-training high and feeling enthusiastic about life in general. It's lovely :)

So then, today I went back to my internship at CMH. I arrived in time for my 1:30 intake, and just before the client arrived my boss pulled me aside. She told me they are short staffed and would like to hire me on a temporary (possibly to permanent) basis to pick up more clients and GET PAID!! I'll be working around 10 additional hours a week from what I understand, and I don't even have to interview! I'm meeting with the head supervisors on Wednesday to discuss it further and finalize everything. I am really excited, because last time they offered this type of opportunity to interns they became full-time employees!!! I might have a real job right out of school after all! :-D Now I just need to figure out how on earth I will have time for all this. Might involve cutting back significantly on my work with the Head Start research projects... not sure that will go over very well with my boss there, but I have to think about my future.

Anyway, life is grand at the moment. I feel content with where I am headed and while I am still loaded up to my eyeballs with things to do everyday, the majority of them are fulfilling and give me a great sense of purpose and meaning. I hope to hold onto this feeling for awhile :)

i'm feeling: very pleased

So in the last week or so I have begun doing some serious job hunting and sending out my resume via e-mail to just about any agency I can find in the lower half of Michigan :-P I was beginning to think this would be a fruitless method, but yesterday I got a voicemail from one of the agencies!

They have three openings for home-based family clinicians, basically the same thing I do now. I have to give my contact person there a call back on Monday, but she indicated in the voicemail that they'd be interested in setting up a job interview with me. My only qualms are the following... they say the minimum pay is $14 per hour, or around $29k per year which to me is unacceptable coming out with a Master's degree (I'm kinda thinking $32k is my minimum). Also, it's in Livonia, so if Phil ends up going to MSU we will probably need to live midway between there and Lansing (maybe Brighton?)

Anyway, I'm probably getting ahead of myself... and regardless it's just a nice esteem booster to have an interview in the works already. Check out the job description for yourself, it's with Starfish Family Services.

i'm feeling: scattered

So it's been over a month since I posted here, and technically that was last year. I guess I've just been THAT busy/unmotivated to write/who knows what.

This semester the pace at my internship has really picked up... I am primary on 2 cases and co-ing (meaning I'm a co-therapist) on about 5 others. This is keeping me busy way beyond my normal 16 hours per week... this week alone I pulled about 25 hours. This place gets some serious free labor :-P

Aside from wanting to learn as much as possible and have a variety of clients, I also want to up my chances for getting a job at CMH next year, so I am really busting my butt. This has meant that most days I come home exhausted and want to go to bed at like 10pm (i.e., old lady time). Given that I haven't been very social and I'm kinda getting lonely at times. I think I need to find a better balance between work and fun, cause work is definitely winning right now. I see Phil outside of work and... that's about it, honestly... which is great, don't get me wrong, but I do miss having the energy for a social life.

I talked with one of the big supervisors at CMH this past week and she was pretty encouraging about my prospects of getting a job there, but it might be tricky because of budget issues that CMH is currently having... as in, they're some ridiculous amount short on money. Worst case scenario, I suppose, is that I end up having to drive up to an hour for work and/or get a bachelor's level case management position. At least it will be income... but I really want a job at Family Guidance, so my hopes are holding out.

ANYWAY... somehow or another, I need to find a balance again, which will be difficult once my research assistant job really gets rolling. That's even more home visits and this time driving to Jackson County to do them. Maybe I should have considered my sanity before accepting the job, eh?

Like anything, I suppose, it's a work in progress... hopefully May 4th will be here before I know it :)

i'm feeling: tired

I'm thoroughly enjoying my lazy break so far... despite the lack of snow, even up here in northern Michigan. I'm up at Phil's parents' house through tomorrow evening, then heading downstate to my parents' place for Christmas #2. Today we're planning on making some Christmas cookies and hanging out.

I watched "The Green Mile" last night... I think I cried about four times and ended up being awake until about 3:30am. I didn't realize that movie is about three hours long until I was way involved in it. Despite being sad it's one of the best movies I've seen in awhile, though :)

Especially at Christmas I can't help but think about how grateful I am for my family and friends... some who've been around for years, and others that have come along recently. I really am lucky to have all of you :) I'm at a good place in life right now but it wouldn't be nearly as good without all of you lovely people < 3

With that, I'm off to continue my lazy break... MERRY CHRISTMAS, LJ friends!


P.S. Happy Birthday to my Momma! Go tell her for yourself: http://users.livejournal.com/_onyx

i'm feeling: content

I'm home sick today with a cold. About to call and check up on a client of mine who admitted to me that she has been feeling suicidal lately (although not actively, it seems).

It's been a rough week, so it doesn't really surprise me that I'm sick now... the weather has been crazy and that usually is enough for my body to bring on a cold. My diabetic cat, Gypsy, has also been in the hospital since Wednesday since his blood sugar spiked very high and he's now suffering from ketoacidosis... they don't really know if he's going to make it right now. He's improved in terms of his blood sugar numbers, but he's still refusing food and they're going to insert a feeding tube today. He really is my favorite kitty - really smart and cuddly... I am really hoping he will pull through this (hopefully without leaving us bankrupt in the process).

Finals are coming up next week, I have a take-home exam due in my clinical class and a presentation in stress management. After that, at least, it is all over until January 8th... except for the internship that is, which will go on until December 20th. Phil and I are leaving the 21st for Traverse City... we'll be spending 5 days with his family over Christmas and then going to my parents' house on the 26th. I'm excited for the break and to spend time with everyone.

Phil and I are going to look at at least one apartment tomorrow, assuming I don't feel any worse by then... it's exciting, I can't wait for August to come along. I feel ready to have my own place and settle in a bit more. College life has been good for the most part but lately I've found myself a lot less enthused about it and ready to move on.

Anyway, time to get some paperwork done and call my client... I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for Gypsy...

i'm feeling: sick

I'm not even sure there are words to explain my joy and disbelief at the election results. Dems have the house, and now most likely the SENATE too!! I can't even believe this. I am so happy that people are finally channeling their outrage toward Bush and Iraq (among other things) into some real concrete change.

The only sad note in all of this, at least for Michigan, is that Prop 2 passed... meaning the repeal of affirmative action laws and however many steps backward toward inequality. I wouldn't be as upset about it but this is a state constitutional amendment, meaning much harder to do away with in the future.

Still that isn't going to ruin my amazement and fabulous mood. The Dems are back in control, Granholm is still Governor, and Rumsfeld just resigned. I think I must be dreaming; hope I don't wake up! :)

i'm feeling: ecstatic

This week = excitement and stress because...

1) 8-10 page paper due for clinical on Tuesday (currently ~1/2 done)

2) The future of our state and country to be decided on Tuesday (and with the governor's race, the likelihood of my being able to find a job in social services will be heavily influenced)

3) First home visit with my very own client on Thursday (our interaction thus far = I called to set up the appointment with her, we chatted for a minute, and I closed by saying I was anxious to meet her daughter as well. She laughed at me. Like seriously, I think the laughter went on for at least 30 seconds. I'm pretty sure she thinks I am a really young, really naive white girl... which may in fact be true but this is NOT helping my confidence level)

Ugh. Anyone know of a magic pill to make you rock hardcore at life? Cause I'm in the market, desperate, and willing to spend.


P.S. GET YOUR ASS OUT AND VOTE ON TUESDAY! Preferably for Granholm and Stabenow, and NO on 2!

i'm feeling: rushed

Training alone (a new group of crisis volunteers for the Listening Ear, that is) has been really difficult so far.

Last night was emotionally draining and with the sexual assault call role plays starting tonight, I know it will be exhausting again. I feel like the pressure and focus is on me times 10 with no other trainer in the room and it's really hard to be "on" constantly.

I'm trying to take today to be lazy and relax, in hopes that I will be more positive and motivated come tonight. We did make big strides last night but I still feel unsure about them and whether they will last.

Basically I guess I feel like I have no real concrete idea what I'm doing in there half the time, so I'm just trying to trust the training process... I've already learned from this group but I still feel like I'm fumbling in the dark.

I hope tonight will go more smoothly after my group's hard work the last two sessions *crosses fingers*

i'm feeling: drained

I am fucking pissed off right now.

As I posted about earlier, I am applying to the infant mental health program at Wayne State for next year. As part of that application, I asked my former professor to write me a recommendation letter. She chairs the specialization in infant mental health here at MSU, which I had applied to and later decided to decline because it would have required me to take a second internship with young children (since my first was at Head Start). I wanted to take a family/older child based internship to increase my job marketability. I thought I had made the appropriate thanks and apologies for my decision and that we had a positive relationship.

Well, I got a response from my professor, declaring that she "rarely declines to write a letter for a student and never writes a negative one" but basically saying that I wasted her time and effort by applying and later deciding to drop the specialization and therefore she will not write a letter for me. It was very brief and terse and flat out rude in my opinion. I took her classes for two semesters and always did well, and we had a relationship outside of my applying for the specialization.

Her attitude just strikes me as very immature and un-social worky (for lack of a better term). SERIOUSLY. Isn't it more important to help along a qualified student and further the field of IMH than to hold a personal grudge over something distinctly impersonal? I wrote her back what I consider to be a very professional and classy response, but god damn I am pissed off.

I guess I really am glad that I didn't take the specialization here, if someone like that was going to be heading up my committee. Turns out you don't have to be mature, kind, OR emotionally stable to earn a doctorate in social work. That scares me.

i'm feeling: pissed off

Overwhelming things at the moment include:
Training a group of new crisis volunteers to empathize and self-disclose (among other things) BY MYSELF at the Listening Ear training starting tomorrow, leading an intake with an observer watching me on Thursday morning at my internship, getting my own client soon, 12 hour days, the fact that my jaw keeps hurting and I am probably going to get chronic TMJ AHHHHH...

Ok. Deep breath and reality check.

Somehow I always get through these things, sometimes even while doing them well, and I'm sure it will happen this time too.

But for now, I feel really pressured and in over my head. Time to start practicing those feeling statements before training starts tomorrow :-P

i'm feeling: frazzled

( Why the world sucks (cause we're not doing anything about it) )

Borrowed with thanks from grammargirl... and sadly NOT only applicable to NYC.

i'm feeling: thoughtful

So I am definitely a crazy person, but I am seriously considering applying to the post-graduate certificate program in Infant Mental Health through Wayne State University for next year. Supposedly it would take me 2 years to complete part-time (12 credits of classwork and a 10 credit field experience), meaning I could also work while I do it.

This would be a good thing because a lot of the IMH jobs require that you either have the certificate or are working on it concurrently... so I could be getting paid to do the work I want while also getting yet another degree... cause I just love being insanely busy and shelling out tons of cash, or something. Seriously though, I think it would be a great step toward getting where I want to be, and the Merrill-Palmer Institute (at WSU) has a nationally recognized IMH program.

Problems include... where am I going to live next year (parents are in Waterford, but the commute time from there would be ridiculous, maybe Phil and I could live closer to Detroit?), where is Phil going to graduate school (i.e., are we going to have to deal with being an hour apart?), will I be able to get health insurance through part-time employment or could I work full-time while doing this certificate?, WSU is in scary Detroit... among others I probably haven't thought of yet.

I e-mailed the director of the program for some information. We will see what happens.

i'm feeling: curious

Happy *21st* Birthday, Phil!!! :) xoxoxo

All of you reading this should join us at Crunchy's tonight around 7pm, we should be there for a couple hours at least... help Phil celebrate being able to come out with the big kids ;)

i'm feeling: happy

So I know I am blowing this out of proportion, but today my supervisor chided me for missing a meeting I don't remember saying I would go to and for apparently missing a home visit I had written down for today (it was apparently on Monday)... she wondered if this is something I have trouble with a lot and that we should work on.

I know this is a learning experience, I know I am supposed to make mistakes, but it is really hard to have them recognized by other people. I am SO busy this semester that more than 5-6 hours sleep seems like a luxury and almost everything I do involves hearing about terrible things that happen to people. At the end of the day, I need to just process mentally and zone out staring at the wall... I hope this will get better but for now it does lead to me forgetting things sometimes. It just felt really personal and kinda sent me into this "Maybe I'm not doing the right thing with my life" speel. I am going to try and be more organized from now on, no promises though. Anyway it was really upsetting this morning; I felt really guilty and ashamed after our talk.

However, now I'm a little miffed. I think she is right that I need to work on that stuff, but damn, I have been pulling 10 hour days there like it's nobody's business, going above and beyond (I think), and I've already been out to see clients quite a bit more than the average intern. Where's some recognition for that? I dunno. I don't even think she is mad at me, I'm still learning after all... so maybe I am mad at myself and should be directing this defense there :-P

It just makes me think about our clients and how much they really do deal with... no money or resources, bad housing and neighborhoods, often traumatic childhoods, domestic violence, sexual trauma, the whole gamut... and here I am freaking out because I got chided for missing meetings. What would I do in their situation? It scares me to think about it when I'm having trouble with this level of stress alone.

I dunno. I hope I can handle this, and learn to cope with everything while being organized and not so mentally/physically drained that I don't even want to interact with people at the end of the day... cause I still need a social life, even in graduate school, hehe. It's all about balance, and I am still searching for it.

I'm already learning a lot about myself this year and some of it is painful and difficult. Maybe that makes it all the more worth doing? It's hard to keep that in mind sometimes but I think I'll come out of this a better person, personally and professionally. Really learning and growing usually involves being uncomfortable for awhile; just have to persevere.

Anyway, sorry about the rambling... I needed to get that all out. Now I am off to make a phone call (NOT procrastinating this time!) as part of my plan to redeem myself and stay on top of things.

i'm feeling: stressed

My mantras this semester:

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

and

This too shall pass


Christine had a good way of conceptualizing this school year in a metaphor... she said her swim coach used to say that at the end of a race, most people slow down and start to give in to being tired; but what you should try to do is push yourself to the brink, win the race, and relax afterward knowing you gave it your all. I am going to try that approach to make it until May while still retaining something resembling sanity.

Anyway, I had a nice relaxing and lazy weekend... until Sunday when I started to feel sick. I ended up going home to the doctor yesterday (thus missing my internship and Ear scheduling) and getting on some heavy duty antibiotics. They're kinda wiping me out but it's a damn good thing I went yesterday because the rest of my week is PACKED and I don't think I would have gotten better on my own. Today I had class from 9 to noon, work 12 to 4, and my first night with the middle school grief and loss group at Ele's Place from 5:30 to 9pm. Tomorrow, thankfully, will probably not be a 10 hour day like my Wednesdays have been this semester; I have computer training at my internship from 8:30-4:30, a break, and then class from 7 to 10pm. Thursday will consist of interning where I'll mostly be sitting in on an assessment training (snore). Finally, Friday I start my aerobics class from 9-10am, and work until 4. I have been refusing to do any work other than readings/papers on the weekends since this is my mental health time to sleep in and do fun things like... nothing at all ;) hehe.

It's sad when a 40 hour work week in my future is starting to seem like a break.

i'm feeling: rushed

I am at work and bored out of my skull.

Things at the internship have been going well, I picked up a case this week where I'll be doing co-therapy with another social worker. I visited the family and the situation is, well, overwhelming to say the least... the family has issues with severe mental illness along side some major issues with the physical environment of their home. We'll see how it goes, but so far my co-therapist says they have made slow and steady progress in getting their lives in order since moving from another state.

In other news, my diabetic cat Gypsy had a seizure on Wednesday... my Mom came home to find him sprawled out under a chair crying. His blood sugar had crashed and the vet said he probably wouldn't have made it another 30 minutes without the IV drip :( It was really scary but he is back home now and they are starting over with regulating his insulin dose, so hopefully this will not happen again.

Phil and I had a good anniversary, we went out to dinner at the All-Seasons Bistro again, like we did last year. They still have a nice ambience but going in on a Friday was quite different; it was really busy and loud and full of old rich people :-P hehe. Not the most comfortable of circumstances. But the food was tasty at least :) Phil got me a Sims 2 expansion pack and the first two seasons of Grey's Anatomy on DVD! I was quite pumped about that and have renewed my Sims addiction ;)

More and more I really can't wait to graduate and get my own apartment next year with Phil. I miss having kitties around and we will hopefully be able to get a couple of them :) I guess I'm not in TOO big a hurry though because that will mean I have to get a real job; should be less stressful than graduate school but I'm definitely not used to 40 hours/week of the same thing yet.

Anywho... the guys are coming to visit from CMU tonight, that should be fun. I'm hoping for a pretty relaxing weekend after my marathon week of interning, class, work, and finally writing my independent study from summer term. I *just* finished it this morning and handed it in... talk about a huge weight lifted off of me!

One hour and fifteen minutes til I can escape this boring office... the countdown begins...

i'm feeling: restless

Happy 2 year anniversary to my favoritest person ever, Phil :)

It's been two amazing years together, let's make it many more... I love you!

i'm feeling: happy